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Writer's pictureJessicaHaber

I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

The main condition of release from my prison sentence - I mean, rehab, was being deemed ‘independent’.


I had to learn to take care of myself; transfer on and off and in and out of my wheelchair, dress myself, shower, use the bathroom, cook, and get myself around - just to name a few. I am very grateful I was forced to take care of myself because I don’t know if I would have done it if I had others to just do it for me.


Because I was in New York City, this also involved me pushing myself through the city to the supermarket and carrying my own groceries back ‘home’ where I had to prepare my own meal. It also meant me being able to complete an ‘obstacle course’ of sorts where I had to go up and down a flight of stairs BY MYSELF. Bet your ass I did it all 😎✌🏼


Now? I still do almost all of it but I have a fear of curbs and stairs and have a mini heart attack if I have to try and go up or down one on my own. I only pretend like I’m going to attempt it -but really, I won’t. My husband makes fun of me regularly for this. Whatever… leave me alone. I’ve flipped over backwards enough to know that I don’t enjoy it. 😂


Being independent is super important to me and I’m sure most people who have some sort of disability. There are a few things that I have to rely on others for as well, it’s just part of the deal. BUT I am confident I can survive on my own ...and also happy that I don’t have to.


As a teenager with a new disability it was a very difficult balance of trying to assert my independence but also needing help and being a child. It was hard for my parents as well who wanted me to know how to be as capable as possible but also wanted to help me - and I was still pretty young and in need of guidelines and support in general. It was just in their nature to want to help me and let me rely on them for things. It’s what good parents do.


That’s why when I was old enough, I felt that it was important for me to separate myself- to leave home and be on my own. They didn’t think I would be able to - and quite honestly, I wasn’t really sure either, but there was only one way to find out. #JUSTDOIT


I needed to know I could be on my own. I needed to know that I could take care of myself. Even before my disability we were brought up to be strong and independent - both as women, and young adults. My mom especially wanted us to know how to live on our own so we would never have to rely on anyone else.


Once I turned eighteen, my parents had no choice but to let me go and I had too much pride to say, “fuck it, that was stupid, I was wrong and I want to stay home.”


My first stop was the dorm at college which was twenty minutes from my house. It was a great start but since ADA laws were still so new, it wasn’t ideal. The ONLY handicapped bathroom stall in the dorm didn’t have a door, just a pull curtain that didn’t even shut. Same situation in the shower. So I slept at the dorm. I did my work at the dorm. But I went back to my house every day to use the bathroom and shower… and probably eat dinner and food shop in my parents’ refrigerator while I was there. So I was independent but only to an extent.


At the end of the semester I rented an apartment in a private home near school. That was much more livable and felt more like ‘my own place’. I was still close to home but far enough away to truly be independent. It was glorious.


After that, I was free as a bird. I applied to other colleges outside of New York and shortly after, moved across country where I lived on my own. I had a friend close by and soon after, a boyfriend. I never hesitated to ask for help in things like taking out my trash or little things I couldn’t manage, but beyond that, I was able to survive by myself and that’s something I worked very hard to achieve and I’m still very proud of.


Now, as a woman and mother, we run our home as a team. We all have jobs and we give our boys jobs and responsibilities so they can hopefully learn to take care of themselves as well because I do know the value and importance of being self sufficient.


I might not make great decisions all the time or be the brightest crayon in the box but despite all that, I know if I were to be on my own again, I can manage mostly everything independently. And as someone who isn’t fully ‘able’, that is invaluable.


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